Well hello there. Haha! So yeah its official i kinda hate my father. Usually i'd call him dad but neh... Father will do. He always treat my mom like fucking shit(not like hitting her and stuff but his fucking sarcasm and his unreasonable comments are fucking shit). Everybody in the house is sick of him. I know this sounds really fucking mean but i really wanna get rid of him. I think everbody in the house thinks like that right now. I dont give a fuck about him now. The reason i dont really like guys is because of him too. I cant look at guys like i used to. He has changed my perspective of guys like i'll think they're jerks eventho i know most of them are not but what to do my father is a fucking jerk. Guys might think im being unreasonable but what the fuck you will think the same thing if you have a father like mine. Im suffering each day ok. Everyday when i wake up i feel like im waking up to a nightmare... Every motherfucking day. People say they wake up from a nightmare but i wake up to one each day. I would put a strong front but actually im breaking slowly. People know because im blogging this but will they know how im suffering? What im feeling right now? How much i need a hug right now? How much i wanna talk to someone right now? No because i dont tell because i dont wanna annoy the people around me by telling them my fucking problems. I dont wanna be a fucking burden. I dont wanna be the girl that everyone wanna avoid because she'll tell all her problems every fucking day. I'd rather keep all my problems and let them out when i cant hold them in anymore. I wont care how fucking hurtful it'll be for me because im convinced that im strong for this shit. This house..... Its like a fucking warzone. Thats all i could say.

Hi. I don't feel good right now. It's really weird because its Saturday and 10.05pm right now. It really is too early to be fucking emo bout everything. SIGH! Tonight is one of the nights when I just wanna cry my fucking eyes out and just scream my fucking lungs out because I cant take the pain anymore, the frustrations... EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING THATS HAPPENING IN MY FUCKED UP LIFE!!! You wanna know whats weird? Listening to songs that break you down.... Thats really weird and amazing because you relate to the songs so much that you can deny all the things. My life is really fucked right now. I have parents who always scream at each other at top of lungs every night, I feel paranoid when Im with my friends, I feel out of place whenever Im with them because basically im the fatest one among all of them. Tell me, who will not feel stressed? There are some days when I just jump off a building or a cliff and end all this fucking miseries but I know I can fix this shit. fuck

I dont know what i said or did on twitter/tumblr that i have this crazy stalker that keeps sending hate messages on tumblr. If you're not happy with me you can tell me nicely and not asking me to die. Im fucking 15....wait i havent turn 15 yet but im turning this year September and i cant wait to turn a year older. I dont wanna die yet. Yes, i used to harm myself because i hate the world, i hate my family, i used to think the world is cruel and i dont belong here but eversince i discovered All Time Low, awesome kind-hearted twitter friends and other bands that make me happy just by listening to their songs, i know that i can give myself a chance, others and the world a fucking chance. I dont know why you never give me a chance and straight away asked me to die. Last year, i was so fucking crazy that i tried throwing up all the stuff that i ate few minutes ago which is also known as bulima nervosa. I really did. I also tried cutting myself but i was a pussy so i didnt do that. Had the urge though. I was bullied for two years in secondary school. Classmates called me fat and yes, i was fucking sad. One of my classmates actually called me fat online and i couldnt sleep the whole night things like these you cant forget easily. As you can see, words fucking hurt. Eventho its just like "you're stupid" but you're still callig others stupid. Imagine being called names that makes you feel like a loser forever. Words that might take away your life. Bacl to the story, so one day, i told myself that i have to stop this fuckery. I started to not give a fuck of what people think of me. I did a good job.....i think. Anon on tumblr, whats the wrong thing of loving All Time Low and adoring Jack? A girl can motherfucking dream. Cant i love te band that fucking saved my fucking life? Yes i love them so fucking much that i ditched my exams just to see my heroes live. They are not here for me physically but mentally and also they give me a minute to escape just by listening to their songs. I dont know what would happen to me if they never exist, songs that actually help you through times never exist. I think i'd be listening to nicki minaj, justin bieber and say they saved my life which is a complete bullshit. And anon, if i can give myself a chance, why cant you give me one?

Ummm I'm not gonna post a picture before the post coz i cant find the right picture. My life has been a livin hell to be honest. It can never get worst. My parents have been fighting....ALOT. It really frustrates me because like in Blink 182 song, Stay Together For The Kids theres this part "I see them everyday we get along so why can't they. If this is what he wants and its what she wants then why theres so much pain?" That part always tears me up because its fucking true. My siblings and our parents get along really fucking well and when it comes to them, its like a fucking wreck. Sometimes I wish they would get divorce because I'm being selfish and want all the fighting to stop. Seeing my mum crying and hearing my dad shouting to my mum is the fucking worst I can ever experienced. Yes, I might be used to it but whenever they fight, it'll always affect the children and it fucking sucks. I've always try to stay strong and not cry but I cant.... No matter how hard I hold my tears, I can't coz their room is just next to mine and I can hear every single thing they're shouting to each other. All those stuff they shout to each other are just so fucking hurtful that you feel like someone just stabbed you in the heart. It's always my dad's fault. He's always the one that will say something offensive and of course my mum will want to defend herself and it always ending up them fighting. Dad, I might write hurtful stuff about you online, cursing you, even wanting you to disappear from my life but I really fucking love so very much...and this comes from the bottom of my broken heart. Please, fucking please change. I love you, I love mum, I love this family that I can't take the risk watching this family falls apart. "oh father please father i'd love to leave you alone but i cant let you go"

ps. i miss this. we all look so fucking happy and it breaks my heart when i look at this picture coz we cant be this happy anymore and its hard to be this happy anymore. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qcNDcHkUs0

"Therapy is a kid's worst nightmare, because everyone is telling them that they need help, when all they really need is hug."- Alex Gaskarth

Hey, it's been a long time since I last blogged. I miss blogging. I miss telling you what I feel. I'm gonna do it now. An anon messaged me on tumblr, and told me hurtful stuffs, like telling me to die, it'd be better if I never exist, I'm a fake fan of All Time Low, which I'm not, and putting me down by saying that I'm fat........ It hurts. It fucking hurts so fucking much. I can handle any critics, bt not when people make fun of my size. I don't even find that funny. I don't even know what to do. I feel like dying. This world sucks to the core. I don't know what I did to deserve such hurtful messages. I've never get one of those before in my whole entire life, and when I got it, there were lots. :'( That anon even wished I'll get hit by a bus. My self esteem is so fucking low right now, blog. Alright, I gtg now.

HI! There will be no picture at the starting of this post as I'm using my eldest sister's laptop. Wait, first of all, I wish my youngest sister, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you. Doesn't mean that I always scold, I hate you. I'll never hurt any one of my family members. NEVER! You mean alot to me. Maybe I keep scolding you, correcting your mistakes, because I don't want you to grow up. I don't want you to face the pain like I'm facing one right now. You'll face lots of problems when you're older. I hope you can solve them. Alright, moving on, I have been bullied by 'some people' these days. Actually, I've been bullied since last year, but I have to say, this year is the worst. Last year, when people bullied me, I cried. This time, I've been doing stupid things. They called me fat, and always try to bring me down. Yes, dicks! I give up! I give up being strong. You won. I know I'm fat, I can't run as fast as you people, and I'm not as sexy as other girls. Alright, before I get all emotional, I wanna say that Jessie J is my second favourite singer. <3 Alright people. I gotta go. :)

PEACE.LOVE.NURULA

HEY! OMG! I missed my blog. Well, it's been a long time, huh. I'm bored that's why I'm updating. Plus, I have lots of things to say. Just get ready, okay. Haha. What the fuck am I talking bout? Well... Today's Sunday. Talking bout Sunday, kinda reminds me of Friday-Rebecca Black.... I know what you all are thinking. "SHE SUCK!" I was thinking that too. HAHAHA! I'm such a bitch. I don't even know what you all are thinking. Anyway, I have bangs! YAY! Did it last month. I really liked it. :) Alright, I don't have lots of things to say today, but  have a thing to say. About this guy. Whatever it is, I hope he will not find my blog because I never tell anybody my blog url. Except for the people I linked. I like a guy. We were in the same class last year. I didn't have feelings for him last year, but I don't know why this year, I'm falling head over heels for him. He is always there for me, always my listening ear. I tell him every problems I have, everything I've been keeping for so long. I just trust him so much. We've been texting each other for so long. He never fails to make me smile whenever we talk. Whenever I see him, I'll always have butterflies in my stomach. I've been giving him signals that I have feelings for him, but... Yeah.. He is a really great guy. He will not be mine, but I know that he'll be a great boyfriend to a lucky girl. To that lucky girl, I hope you will treasure him. Love him. Don't break his heart because he is a really sensitive guy. I know because I broke his heart once, and I regretted it. To you, maybe you will not be mine, but I just want you to know that I love you :') We shared what we feel together, but there are still some things I don't know about you. You may be the geek in our class, but there is a girl that have feelings for you. :) Right. Bye. :)

PEACE.LOVE.NURULA